365 Days of Anna

One Day At a Time

2011-12-31T23:50:00.001-08:00

I'm having a difficult time grasping that this year is over. Finished. Done. I'm starting to think old people know stuff cause they were right about this: the older you get the faster time passes. ~deep, deep sigh~

Time has been a great teacher to me this year. I've learned alot about myself, about friendship and what's really important to me. I've made new friends, lost some, and found others. I've found happiness in places I didn't expect. I am happier in my life than I have ever been, and am thankful for the precious people in my life who add to that happiness.

I have trouble taking things slow. I look ahead, make plans, make to do lists for my to do lists. Always thinking about later, tomorrow and next week. As it would turn out that's not always a good thing. It's harder to live in the moment if your thinking about the next one coming. What am I planning for 2012? Take life one day at a time. Enjoy right now, and worry about later when later comes.

Snooping Rights

2011-11-19T16:57:00.000-08:00

"Snooping rights are worth everything".

So begins a conversation about a world I'm not familiar with. One that entitles a woman to snoop through her partners belongings, read his texts and emails and scan phone records when necessary. All of which typically turns up nothing more then insecurity, hard feelings and more paranoia

Before my friends start the eye rolling I'll admit it, I'm nosey. I used to dream of one day becoming a P.I. like Magnum! If there's something I want to know, you can bet the ponies I will find out. But shouldn't a relationship be based on trust, and at what point does casual snooping turn into psychotic jealousy? I have heard stories where men weren't allowed email or facebook accounts without sharing their passwords. Men who were questioned if it took two extra minutes to go to the grocery story. Men who aren't allowed to use their cell phone at home unless they show exactly who they're talking to or texting. Men who must accounted for every second of every day or face the wrath of their woman.
Men, who might as well be caged animals.

I have lost several good, platonic friendships because the wives of my friends couldn't handle them being friends with a woman. Okay, whatever it takes to make you feel secure. However, before you become the Ol' Ball and Chain, I think there's something you should know about your man. Most men (that's my disclaimer here), aren't empty brainless shells walking around looking to get laid 24/7. So maybe it's time to stop treating them like they are. I'm not suggesting you tempt fate by hiring a hot bodied, flirty and barely legal girl to clean house or babysit your kids. I am suggesting the need to treat our men with respect and digniity and have some confidence in who they are.

I'm not the snooping type...never have been. My hubby spends nights away from home and I don't question his intentions. I don't call him ten times on his way home from work to be sure he's not hooking up with another woman. I don't look in his wallet. I don't answer his phone or check to see who he's calling. I don't drill him with the same fifty questions everytime he runs into an ex or I see him talking to another woman. The reason is simple...
You can't make someone love you if they don't

So the next time you're tempted to snoop, or ask all those same questions..maybe the real question you should be asking is to yourself: In fifty years when you look at the man beside you, will he be there because he has always wanted to be, or because he simply never found the strength and courage to chew through the chain you had him so tightly bound with?

11-11-11

2011-11-11T12:20:00.000-08:00

Today is my birthday. It's been 365 days since I started this blog on my path to self discovery. My only regret is that I would have kept up with it a little better. There are so many things I missed documenting along the way like the 5K I finished, Jackies 40th surprise birthday party and the wonderful week I spent with my niece and nephew. But instead of regret I look to share with you what I did learn about myself this past year..

*I learned that being alive and living is two completely different things. I choose to live.

*I learned that my daddy was right: family really is the most important thing we can hold on to and DNA has little to do with the make up of it. Instead, it's filled with those in our lives who love us, support us and encourage us to be a better version of ourselves.

*I learned that the best friends in the world can be found where you least expected.. People who share no real common bond besides the willingness to open their hearts and minds.
Maybe opposites attract in order to complete us.

*I learned that no matter how much you love someone you can't make them love you back. Through that, I've also learned when to hold on anyway and when to quietly let go.

*I learned that not everyone will like me. That's not a bad thing. We are all unique and your liking me has no barring on the kind of person I am or am not.

*I learned when to embrace the past and when to let it go...
I did a lot of letting go.

*I learned that negativity breeds after its own kind. If you avoid the people who create and harbor it, you save yourself from its affects on you.

*I learned that I am capably of much more then I have ever given myself credit for. I may not "excel" at one thing but I am good at many. And being proud of myself doesn't make me arrogant or boastful. This was a hard lesson.

*I learned that your real friends will be there when you need them most. They wont judge you, they will listen to the same story ten times if that's what it takes, they will make you laugh and help you get over it....but only if you allow them.

* I learned that loving people requires you to fully open your heart, and remove your walls. It can bring about pain, heartache and disappointment, but what a small price to pay for the extreme happiness and joy that so quickly replaces it.

*I learned that sometimes you have to stay up past your bedtime, leave the dishes in the sink, let the house be in disarray and go out and enjoy life..because life doesn't wait.

*I learned who other people THINK I am is not as important as who I KNOW I am.

*I learned to judge less. One can not have a true and honest stance until they are face to face with adversity.. Only then will you know what you would do, how you would handle it and ultimately the outcome. When I find myself being judgemental, God quickly places me in that same situation as a reminder that apart from him, I can do nothing.

*I learned to appreciate my blessings. The big ones and the ones easily taken for granted. I pray I never fail to be in awe when I see the trees turn yellow and purple, I hear the sound of my nephews giggle, I feel the touch of a small hand in mine, or the smell of fresh rain in springtime.

*I learned that all we have is this very moment. Love easier, speak kinder, forgive quickly and hold on tighter.

*I leaned that I am deeply blessed beyond measure. My cup runneth over.

For everyone who had a part in my life this past year..saying thank you isn't enough..but it's all I have.
You have made me better, and for that I am eternally grateful.
I love you all.

It Must Be In The Water......

2011-10-15T18:23:00.000-07:00

I have two friends (and co-workers) who are currently pregnant. I'm thrilled for them..really I am. But with this news comes something I must address. No matter how justified you feel, it is NEVER acceptable to push your feelings about children on someone else, nor ask someone what their plans are for populating the earth. If they want you to know they will tell you!

For the record, neither friend has done that to me. Other people however, including co-workers, friends, family, and complete strangers, have plenty to say. I have been asked, "Isn't it about time you had a baby?"..(isn't it about time you minded your own &@#!* business?). I've been told, "It's in the water~drink up"..(so that's how babies are made!); "Don't worry, it will happen to you".. (did I look worried, and who said I wanted it?); and my favorite: "You're next!!".. ( The next time we're at a funeral I'll punch you and say, "Hey, you're next!"..let me know how you like it). I actually had a car salesmen tell my husband and I that if we we're gona have kids we might wanna hurry it up.. I can't type my mental response because I gave up profanity. But the all time worst is when another woman looks at you with pity and judgement and asks, "Don't you want to have kids??"

I respect motherhood. I am sure it's one of the most difficult jobs in the world, and I take nothing away from those of you who have chosen this path. I would simply like a little respect and privacy. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe the person you're asking these questions to cannot have children? For all you know my uterus could have been ripped out when I was twenty (it wasn't..but that's not the point!). Or that the woman simply doesn't want children? {oh, the horror..gasp! gasp! gasp!} Frankly, if more woman had taken the time to consider the responsibility of raising a well-balanced, healthy, productive member of society instead of popping out kids with the ease and carelessness one might buy socks, there would be a lot less child abuse and neglect. Just because you CAN get pregnant, doesn't mean you SHOULD.

As for me, I might have children and I might not. Right now I am simply content to mentor the children in my life who aren't mine. If that changes, so be it. If I decide to remain barren, it doesn't make me any less of a person..or more importantly..any less of a woman. I don't need a child to define who I am.

Family Matters

2011-10-09T12:27:00.000-07:00

There is something about the up and coming holidays that brings about this feeling of lonliness. Not that I don't have my share of wonderful friends, but special occasions call for big family celebrations and I'm lacking the big family. I have my husband and my daddy but the rest of that large family lives elsewhere. My sister is 2 hours away, busy with 3 rambunctious boys and a husband. My mother is a topic best saved for another day. I have countless aunts, uncles and cousins..all a world away.

My hubby and I had dinner last night with Ma & Pa at a fabulous little place called the Farmers Daughter. It has all the home cooking this country girl loves: fried chicken, mashed tators, fried green tomatoes, homemade cornbread (with real butter no less!), real coconut creme pie.. Excited does not adequately describe my feelings!! Yummy!! Anyway.... Ma and Pa aren't biological my grandparents but they have been filling that role for the last twenty years. Even as I write this I'm at a loss for words to express how amazing they are. They have loved and supported me through the good, the bad and the impossible. And not me only, but my husband, my sister and my dad. They have shown me real unconditional love and the true meaning of family.

As we are sitting around the dinner table, we hold hands and pray. We thank God for who He is, all He has blessed us with..we thank Him for each other. I feel Ma's soft hand in mine and I'm overcome with gratitude that family doesn't have to be those born to you...but instead those that grow in your heart..

'Till Death Do Us Part.. Wanna go First?

2011-10-02T13:26:00.000-07:00

What could be better then ending a stressful work week with a date night? A lot of things, from the looks of it...

Hubz and I started Friday night "date night" several months ago. For the most part, I enjoy it. It gives us one day when we can leave our phones at home, ignore the world and focus on us. What we do varies; dinner, a movie, a high school football game, and I find that it doesn't matter as long as we're together.

Now for the atomic bomb of honesty.. I don't always "like" my husband. He has had sixteen years to perfect the art of getting on my last good nerve and believe me when I say he has used that time wisely. He pushes my buttons. There are days when "till death do us part" takes on real meaning..as I contemplate putting a pillow over his face and suffocating him. Oh, and before you start judging and getting all self righteous on me.. I'm only saying out loud what most of you have already thought a dozen times to yourself.

Rewind to our Friday dinner date. I am "people watching" when suddenly struck by the similarity I find in the couples dinning out. They look positively miserable. I'm not over exaggerating when I say, it is as if they would rather be donating an organ..in a third world country..with no sedation...then to be sitting across from the person they are with. I am not referring to just one couple or even two, but table after table. There were a few exceptions, the tweens on a first date, the party of eight who I'm sure had reached their drinking limit, the elderly couple who no longer had need for small talk. But the married couples sat across from each other disengaged, no eye contact, little to no conversation. They looked tired, worn down, slightly disgusted, and emotionally dead. Is this what "till death do us part" looks like?!?!

I had time to notice all this because my own husband was refusing to talk to me. I would blame male immaturity, but in his case it's genetics. On the drive to the restaurant I failed to see his point, and he couldn't grasp why, which in turn left him unable to communicate.. My husband, the deaf mute.. As I look around and wondered if this was the inevitable future for all married people, he kicks me under the table. I ask him if realizes he has a great life insurance policy that I'm not above cashing in on. He smiles at me, and we start to laugh. The married couple beside us glare in disapproval. And I decided right there that while misery may be in their future, it sure wasn't going to be mine..

Remembering 9/11

2011-09-11T17:04:00.000-07:00

It was a beautiful day. I was at work. Sunny and I were sitting in my office talking when we caught the tail end of a news story about a plane crashing into the World Trade Center. We turned the radio down and kept talking. The station engineer, Renee, rushed past my door toward the front office and he was crying. We followed him to where other co-workers had gathered to watch the breaking news. No one could have fully understood the magnitude of what we were seeing, at that point . It looked like a small plane had made a small hole in a very large building. A freak accident at most. I watched what I thought was a replay of the plane hitting the building when Cindy says, "Dear God..it's another plane"..and we all gasped, realizing it was. A little girl looks wide eyed into the sky and says, "Look Daddy, they're doing it on purpose". Around the corner, the news department was a flurry of activity but in the hallway where I stood was only deafening silence. Then the Pentagon was hit and fear crept in. I wanted to leave. I wanted to drive to the Electrolux building, get my husband and go home. Instead, I was rushed back to my job. Advertisers wanted to pull their schedules, programming was being interrupted and it was my job to make those things happen. In my head I was screaming, "Who cares about your stupid ads?! Don't you realize everything has changed!?"

The days that followed were worse then 9/11 itself, because that's when you saw the people, the faces, the stories. I didn't sleep, eat, or rest. I just watched the stories..and I cried. The weeks followed with rumors of war, an Anthrax outbreak, and the feeling that America wasn't invincible.

What also followed was Patriotism like I had never witness nor experienced in my 25 years of life. I no longer took for granted what it meant to be an American. I looked at our flag in new appreciation for the blood sacrifice required to keep it flying free. I was proud of my fellow Americans as I saw the heroic efforts being put forth by people all over this great country.

They tried to break us, but it only proved to make us stronger.
Let us not forget.

I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof!

John Adams, letter to Abigail Adams, November 2, 1800

Ferris Wheel of Life

2011-08-25T20:08:00.000-07:00

The Ferris Wheel is gone.

Its been fifteen years since I attended the Appalachian Fair. Year after year passes as I convince myself I'll go next year. I never do. I don't know why my aversion to the fair. Maybe it's the crowd of people, the smell of cow manure, the dust the dirt the heat and the large amount of money required to spend the afternoon complaining about it! This year however I was on a mission. I needed to brave my fear of the Ferris wheel so I could mark it off my bucket list. {you can stop laughing now please}

My last experience on a Ferris wheel went something like this: Terrified of heights I reluctantly get on the ride. My sweaty palms tighten around the cold metal bar until my knuckles turn white. I feel the overwhelming urge to throw up every time my seat goes higher into the air. When I think It can't possibly get any worse, the inconsiderate, childish boy riding with me finds it terribly funny to rock our seat while yelling, "we're gonna die..ha ha ha..we're gonna die". I fail to see the humor and attempt to put my hands around his throat in a death grip. When the ride stops I am nauseous, traumatized and single.

I am again in the middle of the fair. My senses are engulfed by the sweet smell of cotton candy and funnel cake. Children scream and giggle as they are twirled in flying saucers. The air is filled with a contagious excitement. I eagerly look past the vendors and games and rides, but it's not there. The Ferris Wheel is Gone.

The valuable less I learned? Life doesn't wait. We either live it in the moment or it passes us by. So, while I didn't ride the elusive Ferris wheel I did ride some crazy spinner thingy that I was sure would make me vomit. Turns out it didn't, and it made my husband happier than a clam! I ate some yummy food, and miraculously it didn't give me food poisoning. I stayed out way too late..and on a work night nonetheless! I collapsed into bed around midnight knowing I would regret those decisions in the morning.

As it turns out, I didn't.

Judgement Calls

2011-06-25T18:17:00.000-07:00

(Written May 13, 11) I hesitated to write this blog, as I do not wish to offend or upset anyone. The news of Osama bin Laden’s death has been received with mixed emotions among friends, family and colleagues. The great debate: Should we have taken bin Laden alive? Should we be celebrating his death?

I remember where I was during the 911 attacks on our country. For the next month I was glued to the TV watching and re-watching the images until I couldn’t stand the nightmares any longer. A short month later, I celebrated my marriage followed by Thanksgiving and Christmas. The news stories got shorter, the images fewer and life in my small town returned to normal. I knew no one personally who died that day. The real change came with higher gas prices and a weakened economy. In New York, the story was different. We turned away from the pictures of devastation while they continued to live it. New Yorkers witnessed first hand people jumping to their deaths from burning buildings. Watched as dead bodies were pulled from the rubble. Searched for missing children, spouses and parents. We remember with bumper stickers and yellow ribbons, they remember with photographic memories etched forever in their minds. Do I have the right to judge their celebration in the death of the man behind such misery?

Recently I read the story of a Holocaust survivor. He was tortured in ways my mind still cannot comprehend. His children, too young to work, were taken to the gas chamber to die. He saw family members taken alive to the crematoria ovens of Auschwitz. He spoke of how years later he could still smell the burning flesh. His wife died in a concentration camp from dysentery. At only 76lbs, he survived, left with nothing more then his memories. Could I find fault that this man would celebrate the death of Hitler?

We Americans, are in fact at war. We have been fortunate, as that war often seems worlds away. Would our views on bin Laden's death be different if the war was on our own soil? Imagine living in a bomb shelter, or a cave with little food and water. You are waiting to die. You hear the screams of your children as bombs explode and guns go off. You have no way to protect them. You have seen entire towns destroyed by your enemy. Forced to watch while the women and children were beaten and raped, your men tortured and killed. If that enemy were then killed, would we be so quick to ask “how” and “why” and find fault in the methods used, or would we simply celebrate that he was dead and we were not?

Perhaps you think I’m being extreme. I’m afraid we often live in denial that these things could never happen to us, or to America. The events of 911 should have taught us that we are not invincible. We have an incredible military fighting to keep us safe; but we still have an enemy who wants to destroy us. So regardless of your feelings about Osama bin Laden and how his death has been handle, lets us not forget what has been done to our country and to our fellow Americans. Do not forget, we are at war.

May I Offer Myself Some Insight..

2011-02-26T10:09:00.000-08:00

A sweet man told me today that I needed to post something new to my blog, as he enjoyed reading it for the insight. My blog? Insight? Me? I told him that it was great that I could advise, lead and guide nearly every person I knew and yet could never seem to listen to my own warnings!! Why is that?

I've had a very difficult week. I broke out in hives, twice. Ask any of my friends and they can attest to the fact that if I start to look red and blotchy there's going to be trouble. The problem is, I couldn't figure out why. I have to say, my life is pretty amazing right now. Sure, I have everyday problems and aggravations (who doesn't?) but that aside, I'm blessed. I'm married to a one-of-a-kind, extraordinary man, and that's not an exaggeration. We have a great life together. My friends and family are incredible and loving and funny and bring so much happiness to my life. Even my job doesn't totally suck. So why the week of gloom and doom? Insightful me took an insightful look and came to this insightful realization.

I had this friend once, who made some crappy choices and they ultimately hurt me (a lot) and ruined our friendship. I choose to forgive that person and tried to let it go. Last week I made the disastrous-and no I'm NOT being dramatic-choice to allow this person back in my life..if only from a distance, and only briefly. It was a mistake that had already begun to take an emotional toll on me and I had been unwillingly able to admit it.

How can something so trivial be bothering me so much? Now that I wish I had some insight on..but I just don't know. What I do know, is that I'm pissed off!! Yes I forgave this person but truthfully that was for me. What right do they have to show up one day, enter my life again as if nothing ever happened and act as though they are doing me a favor? Here's a little insight, my dear friend: YOU WERE LUCKY TO BE A PART OF MY LIFE THE FIRST TIME. You don't get to decide when and how and if you want to be a part of it again. I DECIDE & the power is mine. You don't deserve me.. My answer is NO.

A Day in the Life of Me...

2011-02-19T13:45:00.000-08:00

I'm totally exhausted..wore slap out. As I'm trying to determine where to fit in a little extra sleep time, I must first find out where my day actually goes.. The following is my breakdown: no pun intended! :-)

5:00am: Jackie's alarm goes off, he hits "snooze""
5:10am: Jackie's alarm goes off again, he hits "snooze"...again.
5:30am: Jackie's alarm goes off, he finally gets up. The cat jumps on my face
5:45am: Jackie's alarm goes off...again..only now he's in the bathroom. I cover my head and visualize bludgeoning him to death.
6:00am: I finally go back to sleep only to be awakened by Jackie telling me "bye" and bouncing around like a happy ray of sunshine. I dislike it...a lot.
6:15am: Cat knocks my cell phone off the nightstand, waking me up. I fly into a rage.
6:30am: My alarm goes off. I murmur and growl as I head for the shower.Mornings suck
7:00am: I wish I had shorter hair..less blow drying time=more sleep time
7:30am: Head to my car only to be mauled by my overactive, undisciplined dog. I'm now covered in mud.
7:40am: Change clothes and make it to my car..What's that stench!?!? Cat urine?? I thought only dogs peed on car tires? Note to self: Strays Must Go by any means necessary.
8:00am: Arrive at Job #1. Sit down to a cold Diet Mtn Dew ~happy sigh~.. maybe I'll make it after all.
8:10am: Notice my voicemail light is blinking-already..I delete the message..and may it be a lesson learned for whoever had the audacity to call before 9am..
8:15am. Grouchy co-worker arrives. How can you already hate the world so early in the morning?
9:00am-10am: Deal with salespeople...enough said
10am: Have the first of many conversations with Jennifer about what to eat for lunch.. As usual, neither of us can decide.
11am: I take my non-smokers smoke break and harvest my crops in Farmville
11:30am: Second conversation about lunch..still nothing
12:00pm-1pm: work, work & more work between numerous phone calls, emails and texts.
1:00p: Burning my buns and Applebee's-yum
2:00-4:00pm. more work, emails, voicemail, questions, blah blah blah
4:00pm: Take another non-smokers smoke break and hang out in the lobby
4:30pm: Head out to Job #2
4:45pm-9p: Prepare taxes, answer questions, get yelled at, fix problems, hand out money
9:15pm: Arrive home, get mauled again by overactive dog.
9:20pm: Shower while my dear husband warms up dinner
10:00pm: Finish dinner and attempt a little last minute conversation before Jackie goes to bed.
10:30pm: Flip through the TV, decide to watch "Beyond Scared Straight"
11:00pm: Awaken by cat who is now biting me repeatedly because I wont go to bed like he wants me to. "Clearly you're sleeping" he says.
11:15pm: Wonder if zombies are real, and if this is what it feels like to be one. Head to bed.
11:16pm: um...I'll leave this one to your imagination...
12:00am: Cat continues to aggravate me until I drop kick him off the bed.
1:00am: Wake up screaming, convinced I'm locked up in prison, naked and with no toilet paper. ???
2:00am: Fall back to sleep...maybe

Run Forest, Ru...okay maybe you should jog, Forest.

2011-02-09T14:00:00.000-08:00

I am going to participate in and complete a 5K. Yes, you heard correctly, a 5K! No, I’m not a runner.. Um, No I don’t jog… Um, well actually I sort of got winded walking up my driveway this morning.. BUT, isn’t that what experiencing life is all about? Shouldn’t we be making new goals & trying new things? Of course we should! That’s why I’m setting out, slightly nervous and terribly under prepared, to accomplish one more thing on my bucket list.

Maybe I should mention that the 5K I speak of is a run/walk event. I will also tell you ~as I turn a mute shade of red~that I have never ran a mile. You heard correctly, never. In high school we had that stupid “run a mile” nonsense but the only people actually running were the track jocks trying to out do the other. My friends and I walked the mile and filled it with whines, complaints, sighs and a little gossip. So what makes me think I can do it now, nearly 20 yrs later? I have absolutely no idea. But I figured if I posted it here for you to read I’d have to do it, if only to avoid complete humiliation.

So, starting Monday, the training begins. Please feel free to cheer me on to the finish line, because trust me when I say, “I’m going to need it!!”

A Drop in the Bucket #38

2011-02-03T12:46:00.000-08:00

Until last year I had never heard of a “bucket list”. I was casually flipping through the TV channels wondering how on earth this lack of entertainment was costing me $54.95 a month when I came across this show about some guys and the things they wanted to do before they died. That night I started my own bucket list, and it consisted of a whooping 10 things. Of course as the days went by my list grew and I realized there were lots of things I had never done before or hadn’t done in a very long time. So I set out to see what I could accomplish and it turns out, quite a bit! Now the tasks on my list might not measure up to someone elses’ but that’s okay, I’m learning that it’s about what makes ME happy not necessarily anyone else! I have some of the obvious choices like “skydive” and “white-water rafting” but there are also things like “go roller skating” and “take my daddy to a play” both of which I did last year. With every number that’s checked off I find myself enjoying life that much more. If you haven’t made your own bucket list, start today..and let it encourage you to live life to the fullest!

#38 Write A Poem
(This is more like several Haiku poems..sort of..whatever, just go with it..I did!)

Anna melting pot
Lost in your belief of me
Oh, where did I go?

Inside, outside in
Turned everywhich way but up
Waiting to be free.

Eyes glisten with tears
Hands of softness touch my face
Salty taste of pain.

Wanting sweet release
Afraid of your rejection
Disappointment reigns.

Bravery will come
Who I am is who I'll stay
Free of any fear.

A new day has dawned
I am once again made whole
Content to be me.

Life Goes On..

2011-02-01T08:48:00.000-08:00

My freshman year of high school was when I first understood that death was no respecter of persons. It was in fourth period Math, the chair in front of me usually occupied by a cute and charismatic boy was empty and in its place was sadness so thick I couldn’t breathe. I had read of his passing the day before thinking he looked terribly young in that picture, but it wasn’t until I saw his chair that the heaviness of reality settled over me. Whether it was a joke gone wrong or a successful attempt at ending his own life no one knew, we simply knew he was gone and in his place was a black hole of confusion, of disbelief and pain. He was fourteen years old. The following year I would stand with my friend at the burial of her brother trying and yet unable to understand what could have been so terribly wrong at seventeen that life for him had no longer been worth living. My junior year saw the loss of a dear friend taken in an automobile accident as well as the father of 3 small children.

It wasn't until my senior year that it finally made sense. I was in Government class reading the local paper when I saw the headline ; “One teen is dead and another in critical condition after carbon monoxide poisoning”. I must have read that article fifty times trying to understand why, how, such a beautiful young woman just beginning life was now dead. “C” and I became instant friends in junior high when we realized we shared the same birthday and therefore MUST be twins! She was beautiful inside and out, her smile was infectious and she was full of life. For every way we were different, we were that much more alike. My hair was dark chestnut, hers a golden blond, we came from like families, both of us protective over our little sister, and both had big dreams for the future. The only real difference now was that I was alive and she wasn't. That’s when I fully understood that the choice is not ours.

Recently a friend lost someone very dear to them, a precious young life cut drastically short. In an attempt to find words of comfort, I’m reminded that the only true source of comfort comes from our Savior and His gift of eternal life. No matter how difficult the pain healing will eventually come. The laughter in the hallway reminds me that life goes on, even when we’re not ready to.

We have no promise of tomorrow, only this very moment. What will you do with it? As for me, I want to round up my nieces and nephews and kiss their little faces. I want to let them know that life can be cruel and hard at times but no matter what happens they are wanted and loved and valued. They are needed for life to go on. Then I’m going to take time to enjoy what’s right in front of me, while I still have it.

Where's My Sign?

2011-01-17T13:39:00.000-08:00

Seventeen days into a brand new year and I’ve yet to have one single thing to say. I’m going to work on that.

Last week the station was all a buzz with the news that the current zodiac signs were changing. The news came quicker, louder and with more disbelief than the Arizona shootings. One co-worker stated she no longer knew who she was if not a Cancer. (Love her heart). So, with curiosity pushing me along I looked up my sign and this is what I learned.

Disclaimer: For anyone who may be concerned, I don’t believe in all the hoopla of astrology, I don’t believe in fortune tellers or psychics. I believe the only one who can tell the future is God Himself and He wrote it down in the Bible. Pick one up at a store nearest you.

I am a Scorpio and here are a few of the qualities a Scorpio woman possess: She is passionate about everything in her life as well as the people she has chosen to be a part of it.. She has courage and power and leadership. She can be extremely secretive by nature. She can be a very trusted friend or, alternatively, she can be a most fearsome enemy. She expects total loyalty & sincerity from friends, and is not easily deceived as she has an incredible ability of seeing through people's falsity and hollowness. When it comes to love, the Scorpio woman loves a real man and will be impatient and unhappy with slower or shyer men. She loves her independence and will not like you being over possessive and controlling. She exerts her power in subtle ways. She's the person pulling the strings above the stage, where no one can see, yet she's in complete control. Secrecy and control go hand in hand here, so any problem that needs solving, any mystery that is begging to be unraveled, and it is her baby. She'll take apart a radio just to see how it works, explore a cave to see where it goes, or follow a trail to get to its source.

HELLO??? Scorpio = Anna = Mystery Solved!

Only now "they" say I’m a Libra. The following are reasons someone made a HUGE mistake: (Characteristics of a Libra)

1. Your deep desire for companionship may lead to early marriage. (I was 25 and only married after dating 6 ½ yrs. I would have waited longer but didn’t want to end up one of those “common law” wives.

2. You are a levelheaded person. (Is it possible to be passionate AND level headed?)

3. You are quite lazy in your life and believe in one-sided relationships. (Really? So that’s why I worked 70 hrs last week AND still did all the laundry by MYSELF?)

4. You will earn lots of money and fame. (My bank statement speaks for itself here)

5. You are full of romantic blues. (I wanted a mixer for Christmas)

6. You are tactful. (BAHAHAHAHAHA.. maybe when I'm sleeping)

7. Lucky color is White, Red & Orange: (I hate white and the other 2 make me look blotchy)

8. Lucky numbers are 1, 2, 4 and 7. (My lucky number is 13....clearly)

What does all of this mean? First, I hope and pray my tax dollars didn’t go to support these stupid star gazers and secondly, I’m obviously a Scorpio.. so don’t mess with my sign!

FREE YOUR MIND: LUNACY

2011-01-03T14:14:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! Seeing how I took a few days off, I’m doing double duty today. Two letters dedicated to bizarre lunacy.

*Names have been changed to protect the guilty

Dear Lunatic Lori,

Your husband and I have been friends since we were kids. Our continued friendship as adults was conditional. He was to ask your permission. His choice to ignore this request came with no knowledge on my part. So while I sympathize with you being upset, your anger has been greatly misplaced.

Wait a minute! I don’t sympathize with you. You are a hostile, overtly jealous and unbalanced woman giving reassurance to all men that woman are in fact crazy!! I spent 3 days patiently listening and advising you and your thanks came in the form of four letter words, sooo not classy by the way. I let you have your say. I stood quietly by while you berated me with your lies and allegations. I convinced my husband that paying you both a visit would end badly, thus saving you medical expenses. I did my part, now listen carefully you demented psychopath. It’s a new year, the game is over, and I will not be so generous the next time. Consider your self warned.

Good Reputation Retained

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Grouchy Grandma,

I will never be able to fully understand your distest for our government and the reckless way they’ve mismanaged your social security because when I'm old there wont be any left. I realize that becoming a Wal-mart greeter is not how you envisioned your retirement. That being said, before you treat me in such a rude, disgruntled way you should know that I am a member of the working class still contributing to that quickly depleting SS fund. I am sorry there is no money left, but you need to stop blaming me. I am not reproducing children I am financially unable to support, I am not trading in food stamps for cigarettes, I am not “shacking up” with my current baby’s daddy in order to receive more aid, and I am just as angry about all the situations above as you are. All I want is to get my milk and tolit paper so I can go home and pretend this whole crappy day never happened. Now could you just cut me some slack and smile?

Worn Out Wal-mart shopper

FREE YOUR MIND: A BOOK OF LIES

2010-12-31T07:28:00.000-08:00

What better way to end 2010 then with the hardest of letters to write. When it comes to matters of the heart, I am reserved, however it was time to let this one go...

*Names have been changed to protect the quilty

Dear Grover Nixon,

Our friendship caught me by surprise. We were an unlikely pair and yet I had never fit so perfectly with another person. You understood things about me with no explanation on my part. There was ease, a comfort that I had never experienced before and my wall dissolved behind your smile. I was as in love with how you made me feel as I was with you. Your voice sparked life inside me. I would have forgiven you for what you did to me, it would have taken time but I could have gotten past it. It was your deception that shattered my trust and left me broken. I had but fragments of the truth and your lies. In the end, I was unable to separate the pieces. I heard once the greater your capacity for love, the greater your ability to feel pain. The pain came when the shock wore off. My mind unable to comprehend how I could hurt so intensely, and yet not be dying. How was it that I had lost the ability to breathe, yet my heart continued to beat? I hated you nearly as much as I hated myself for allowing you into my life.

It took time, but eventually my resolve returned and with it the courage to move on. I can now look back with fresh, clear eyes and see that I wasn’t completely blindsided. My intuition was merely lost in my belief in you. You were wrong, but I have forgiven you. I desired to in order to forgive myself. I have come to understand that someone much great than I is at constant work in my life, and I am thankful beyond measure that He alone has a clear view of my future. As life turned out, that future included a man whose honesty has never been in question and because of you I have a better appreciation for that.

Finally Forgiven,

FREE YOUR MIND: DEAR MR. TWO-TIMING TOM

2010-12-30T07:50:00.000-08:00

While watching Dr. Phil or was it Dr Drew (??), I learned the best way to purge yourself of the negativity an individual has forced upon you is to air it out. Write a letter to the person in question letting them know exactly how you feel about the situation and or them. Said person could be anyone, an ex-boyfriend, your dead grandma, or overbearing third-grade teacher. Lay it all out on paper, and then let it go. Fantastical idea and how I plan to end this year-a letter a day until everyone is covered. J

Names have been changed to protect the guilty

Dear Mr. Two-Timing Tom,

Taking a seven-day vacation to the beach with my best friend did not constitute a break-up, temporary time off or a "moment of freedom". Nor did it give you permission to get intimate with every girl you came in contact with during my absence. I’m not sure if your two failed marriages and many attempts at keeping a girlfriend are merely karma or a testament to you still being a loser, but I’m fairly certain it proves you’re a womanizing jerk. What you apparently didn't realize at the time but I'm sure have long figured out: the joke was on you!! I was the best thing to ever happen to you. Thank you for being a scumbag because you freed me up to go on to bigger and better things.

Deeply Thankful,

Sigh of Great Relief

I REGRET TO INFORM YOU....

2010-12-29T13:59:00.000-08:00

There’s something about ending another year that usually brings about a bit of nostalgia for me. This year, I’m glad to see it go-GOOD RIDDANCE!! I am in need of a fresh, New Year. My girls and I were talking recently about regrets. I find that if we are honest, we all have regrets. Something we said, or did or didn’t do. Choices made in the moment with painful consequences. We all struggle with it, and on any given day we are only a breath a way of being reminded of our failures. I’ve battled with my own this year and frankly, I’m over it! What I’m learning is that the consequences of a choice aren’t what kill you, it’s the wishing you had done it differently.

So boys & girls, I’m coming clean!! Here’s the truth about me:: I am an amazingly strong woman. I am talented and smart to boot. I’m charming and adorable and witty; (side note: characteristics that tend to make men interested in knowing me; please rest assured ladies, I’m not the least bit interested as I have an amazing husband of my own and I doubt your man could hold a candle to him). I am loud and love to laugh. I am happy & more importantly content with my life. People think they know me, but very few actually do. I am working at being a better person. But guess what folks?? I have regrets in life. I have made bad choices, terrible choices and worse choices.. There are things in life I would change if I could, several of which started with 4 simple words “no apologies, no regrets” ..May I NEVER utter them again!

Maybe you’ve never lied your way out of trouble, or kissed your BF’s boyfriend. OR found yourself drunk and lost in the bathroom of a local Bar & Grille, count yourself lucky or blessed or both. Because I’m learning the darkness is full of skeletons waiting to be found out. So there you have it. In the end, I am a better person, a stronger person. I am wiser.. I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I have regrets.

I WILL NO LONGER ALLOW THEM TO DEFINE ME!!!

Why it's all about me.. :-)

2010-12-08T13:32:00.000-08:00

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. ~Caryn Leschen

This is the entire reason for starting a blog. I am, according to my birth certificate, thirty-five and it would seem have missed the “getting your head together” part! Granted, on the outside I appear cool, collected, & confidant. On the inside I’m a mess & feel less together then I did at 16. At my age, I’m supposed to know exactly whom I am, where I am (figuratively not literally, although I do have trouble with that sometimes as well) and have it all figured out. The truth is, I’m totally lost most days.

I have spent the greatest majority of my life being someone else. The person my boyfriend wanted, my best friend needed and my parents would be proud of. At some point in all of that I lost myself. It’s terribly exhausting having so many expectations to live up too when all you want is to be youself, whomever that is. I am a sister, a best friend, a wife, a daughter, an aunt and a mother to seven, four-legged fur balls. I am the “one” to go to when in need of advice, a listening ear or help in hiding a dead body. But at the end of the day, who am I really?

The last 2 years have thrown me for a loop. I’ve had to take a good hard look at myself in the mirror and wasn't always thrilled with the person looking back at me. I’ve been opinionated and stood firm on what I felt to be right, only to realize that you really can’t take a stand on anything you haven’t been faced with first hand. How can you know what you would or wouldn’t do until your staring the option in the face and frankly that scares the woo hoo out of me. At thirty-five I should have a better grip on who I am, right?

Sooooo, in a nutshell, that’s why it’s 365 days of Anna; one year to figure it out. I’m taking a no-holds bar approach at life, at love, and finding myself and I'm inviting you along for the bumpy ride.... Straight jacket optional.

It's a Wonderful Life

2010-11-27T08:16:00.000-08:00

I went to see “It’s a Wonderful Life” with my dad. If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend it. The cast at The Barter is incredibly talented and entertaining. He loved it. So did I.

George is my twin, seperated at birth. I can relate to him. I think we all can in some way. George is a man with a plan for his life. A man who has dreamt of the exciting places he would travel, beautiful things he would see and interesting people he would meet. He was at the bus stop ready to leave, when LIFE came along and messed everything up. (Stupid Life!!) So, while his younger brother left town, He stayed behind to handle the responsibilities left to him. He cared for his mother, ran the family business and worked hard at doing the right thing. He became bitter, and frustrated and decided enough was enough! Now, if you’ve never been in such a position, you might find it terribly selfish that George (a father of 5 children) found himself on a bridge, ready to throw himself off it. I, on the other hand, completely understand!!

We start out with dreams and plans for how we want our life to be, and then life throws us a curve ball. Our aging parent becomes sick, a child becomes an addict, our sibling loses their job, or a loved one dies. Suddenly we’re forced to put our plans, our dreams, our LIFE on hold in order to contribute to the greater good. Frankly, it sucks and you find yourself asking, Why Me? If you’re not careful you can become so blinded by what you've “missed out” on, that you fail to see all the wonderful experiences you’ve had along the way.

In the end George didn't jump. Instead he found himself surrounded by people who loved him & whose lives he had changed by his sacrifices. The world was a better place, just because He was in it. And He realized that life was in fact, pretty darn wonderful.
I couldn't agree more George. I couldn't agree more...

Giving Thanks

2010-11-24T13:33:00.000-08:00

How do you begin to express your thankfulness when you have a bazillion things to be thankful for? Yep, I have no idea either.. But I’d like to mention just a few.

I’m thankful for a God who is real. He leads me, protects me and disciplines me when I need it, as any good father would. He’s full of mercy & grace. I’m thankful that He sees what’s ahead and knows better then I do. I’m glad that instead of giving me what I want, He gives me what I need. I’m thankful for his promises and the eternal home He has prepared for me.

I’m thankful for a husband who has went above and beyond any promises made to me on our wedding day. He is a man full of virtue and values, strength and unmovable faith. He is more amazing then I have ever given him credit for. Oh, and he's hot..just thought that needed to be pointed out!

I’m thankful for my family.. Yes, all of them. I have parents who love me and I’m thankful for the traits they have passed on to me. I’ve inherited my dad’s extraordinary sense of humor and my mom’s artistic talents. I’m thankful for my sister, and the many nights we’ve spent giggling in bed for hours over the many ways the said parents above have attempted to screw us up. Only she would understand that. I’m also thankful for an extended family of sister-n-laws and nephews, nieces and grandparents.

I'm thankful for a great group of friends who have taught me about who I am, and who I desire to be.

I’m thankful to be an American citizen and live in a country that is still free. (despite attempts by our knuckle headed government to completely destroy it) I AM FREE!

I’m thankful for my job, even more so as our economic situation hangs in the balances.

I’m thankful that this thanksgiving I will be with people I love and who love me. I will have a warm place to sleep & good food to eat. I’m thankful for sight to see their faces, and hearing to absorb their laughter. I'm thankful for a warm heart that has grown neither cold nor callused.

My blessings are innumerable. Maybe I never forget to be thankful.

Awwwww...Bright Shiney Object

2010-11-18T06:09:00.000-08:00

Why does it seem that EVER ONE I know is heading to divorce court? By the way, watched that show just yesterday and laughed my butt off.. way funny!! Anyway, I learned of 2 more couples headed for Splitsville. I'm not talking about some young 20 somethings here, I'm talking about people in their 60's..LATE 60's at that. Are you telling me that it took 40 years of marriage to make you realize that hey, maybe this isn't the one after all? Yeah, try selling that line to a blind deaf mute cause I'm not buying it!!

Here's what I think (for anyone who might actually want to know): I think one of two things happen. The first being your typical boy meets girl, boy finds girl hot, they fall madly in lust, must get married & maybe even have some kids. Then one day they wake up to find 10 years gone. They've grown up a little, became more mature, found out who they are and look over to the person in bed next to them only to say, "Oh dear stars in heaven, WHAT was I thinking"? It's like a bad night of drinking only you never quite sober up and the bum you brought home is still in bed with you. If this is the case, by all means move on. We all make mistakes. No need in wasting whats left of your life in misery. I'm guessing that's about 1 in 50.. Instead, I think we get happily married only to grow bored & complacent. The shiny new toy is starting to look a little dull. Then one day we come across someone new, or God forbid someone old (from our past), and suddenly we're alive again. We have someone who hangs on to our every word (of course, unlike our partner they haven't been forced to listen to this same story fifty times in the last year..but whatever). They tell us how magnificent we are and around them we feel like we're high on heroin! (just say NO) Suddenly, that old Honda we have at home looks to be in great need of replacing. Sure, it's been reliable. In fact, it's gone above and beyond- but it's worn and dingy and frankly takes a lot of upkeep. In front of you is a shiny and exciting new ride..and it's yours for the taking.

I hope you bought a really good warranty cause nothing stays new forever. You know that saying "The grass is greener on the other side of the fence?" There's a reason for that. They take better care of their lawn. They spend time and money nurturing the grass, fertilizing it. They rake the leaves, mow the grass and water it. They don't let stray dogs come over and take a crap on it. It's important to them so they guard it. If you want greener grass, stop looking for a new yard and start taking better care of your own.

She-Stalking

2010-11-13T08:38:00.000-08:00

To stalk: a hunt for game carried on by following it stealthily or waiting in ambush

What would make a normal, intellectual, successful woman turn into a crazed stalker? This subject came up recently as I was talking with some girlfriends about a psychopath who wouldn’t leave me alone. One friend says she calls this “She-stalking”. Apparently it’s hotter than ever, and is no longer only for the unbalanced, the jealous, and the insecure or down right crazy.

There was a time when you could simply break off a relationship with someone and send him or her on their miserable way. Sure, you might have the misfortune of running into them at the grocery store, but for the most part they were out of your life. Fast forward to 2010, thanks to the introduction of popular social websites we are back and in full view of anyone wanting to take a look. So whether it’s your first love or your sorry ex-husband, he is now right at your fingertips. and so it would seem is his new girlfriend or wife. So we find ourselves, hidden by the anonymity of our laptops and blackberries, searching away. Okay, maybe I can see taking a small look, no harm in that right? Until before you know it you’re obsessed and your guts telling you this is going to end badly. Every statues update, every new picture draws you in. You know you shouldn’t look, but like a dog to it’s own vomit you keep coming back.

The things we learn via myspace and facebook don’t surprise us.. Yes, Debbie had 4 kids, 3 husbands and is shameless as ever! Your first love is just as hot as you remembered him..He’s also still a lying, cheating scumbag, and if his wife doesn’t already know this about him it’s really NOT your job to tell her. It’s like a Jerry Springer episode gone badly and we’re hot glued to the screen.

LADIES: it’s time to stop. It’s time to clear out our heads & free our minds of this useless information we really don’t give two logs about in the first place. We are amazing woman..Sexy, smart and funnier than any men I know. We are successful, loved and most importantly happier than we have EVER been. So bury those losers back in your past where they rightfully belong. Use a shovel if necessary.

A Quitter No More..at least for today

2010-11-11T05:43:00.000-08:00

Blogging Day 1: What in the Sam Dickens was I thinking? My first thought after spending thirty minutes figuring out how to even start a blog was "screw it". Actually, that was my second thought. My first thought was where could I find some 14yr old "geek squad" type to fix me a perfectly tailored blog, perhaps even write a few entries and gracefully and efficiently make my entrance known. Only after I realized I only had 5 bucks in my wallet and no way to get a geek, I said screw it. Then I saw my BF's face..that look she gives me when I've come up with a wonderfully insane idea that she knows I have no intentions of ever following through on, and I realized I've become a quitter. Wow..me-a quitter!! Don't get me wrong, while this is a most admirable trait in alcoholics, drug abusers, & smokers, it has become quite annoying to me. So starting today, I will finish at least ONE thing that I have started..even if it is only this entry..