Sunday, March 16, 2014

What Happens at the Gap....

If you're wondering if this is about a recent shopping trip to The Gap... it's not.

Race weekend in Bristol; Defined as: a traffic nightmare and all around pain in my butt, nuisance. I don't leave the house unless absolutely necessary. I have no use for Nascar. I've been twice in the 30 years I've lived here. Even then, nestled in the comfort of our company suite with air conditioning and good food, I could not be won over.  The only good I found was that the constant circling motion was relaxing enough to make me fall asleep.

So how is it I found myself a racing spectator, in Bulls Gap, TN, on a perfectly good Saturday night?  "Poor judgement" comes to mind and yet, here I was.  After waiting to park, walking half a mile to the entrance, paying ($25.00.. are you KIDDING ME?) to get in and finding a seat, I was already looking for the exit. The track is dirt and I'm allergic. The man in front of me has a huge mustard stain on his shirt from his now devoured corn dog. The man (or is it a WOMAN??) sitting beside him is spitting tobacco into a bottle. I fight the urge to run. But, not one to go back on my word, I instead settle into my not so comfortable seat and prepare to take it all in.

Then the bullhorn announces, "What happens at the Gap, stays at the Gap". And just like that I realize, I'm officially in redneck hell.

As I'm thinking I've probably been here long enough to prove I'm a good friend and no one will notice me sneaking out anyway,  something strange happens. I start to enjoy it. Yeah, I said it.. I start to enjoy it!  I can feel the energy of the fans and it's contagious. I sit up in my chair a little, eager to see the cars as they enter the track for their qualifying run. I've never been this close to the track before and wasn't prepared for the intensity of the cars. They sound like jets taking off with a force that I can feel inside me.  Unlike Nascar, there isn't the mundane and smooth circling. These cars hit the turns sideways, never seeming to let off the gas.  The raw power is exhilarating. I want to run to the bottom of the fence and come face to face with my newly found love:  Super Late Model stock car racing. It is one of the coolest things I've ever seen.

My friend however had other ideas, like leaving, right that second if not sooner. So we left. But I have to say,  I left a small piece of Anna behind at the race track last night.  They'll be seeing me again soon.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Being my Friend: It's Complicated.

 "Why did you do all this for me?" he asked. "I don't deserve it. I've never done anything for you." "You have been my friend," replied Charlotte. "That in itself is a tremendous thing."  -Charlotte's Web

Some things you should know before becoming my friend.

1. I suck at superficial relationships. I can be nice when necessary and polite when it's called for. But being an acquaintance and being a true friend are completely different things to me. Be clear on which type of relationship you want from me, and don't expect me to bounce back and forth.

2. It takes a while to earn my trust. We all have trust issues to a degree. Mine run deeper than most, and I can't change that. Only you can decide if it's worth it to you.

3. I'm rarely an open book. People think they know me, but few actually do. I won’t let you in without some effort... That doesn't mean I'm being fake. It doesn't mean I'm pretending to be someone I'm not. It simply means, who I am at the heart and soul of it is seen only by those I've learned to trust.  

4. If you lie to me, or betray my confidence, I will never forgive you. Ever.

5. I am loyal, often to a fault. I will stand with you, stand up for you and support you in any way I can. "There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature".

6. I enjoy being nice to people. When did this become a "fault" instead of a "virtue"? Being nice doesn't mean I'm trying to win you over. It doesn't mean I'm flirting with you. It doesn't mean I'm desperate for friends. It doesn't mean that I want something from you, or even that I want something in return. It only means that I like making people happy, and if I can do that by being nice in some way, I will. Don't take advantage of my kindness and don't take it for granted.

7. Female Friends: I have the hardest time with you. My BF once said my trust issues with women stem from a jacked up relationship with my mother, and I believe there's much truth to that.  But it also stems from years of being back stabbed, talked about, put down, betrayed, lied to, and purposely hurt by women who were supposed to be my friend.  "Girls compete with each other. Women empower one another"

8. Male Friends: I can't be your friend without a written and notarized "letter of permission" from your wife or current girlfriend. Been there, done that, not worth the never ending drama.

9. I expect a lot from my friends. (Or so it would seem) What I expect is for you to put the same amount of value on our friendship, and on me, as I do you. Be the kind of friend you would want in return.

10. If I'm hurting, or in need, I won't volunteer it. If you genuinely care, ask me! "Sometimes the strongest people cry behind closed doors, and fight battles no one ever knows about"

11. I'm sensitive.  I have a really big heart. Once I let my guard down, I love hard and care deeply.. sometimes too much. 
"The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel pain."

12. For some people I'm not worth the effort, and that's okay!! I would much rather have an honest enemy than a fake friend.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Truths of a Woman

While I didn't write this personally (only edited for content) , it speaks truth and is worth the read! 

(If you know who wrote it--give them credit! )

There are only three things you need to know about a woman.

#1. You have to know the truth of a woman. 

And this is that truth...

Every man she has ever loved in her life has hurt her! They have abused her verbally, physically, mentally, emotionally, or all the above. Because if any of them had treated her right, then she wouldn't be available for you. It's not her fault she doesn't trust you. She can't. At least not yet. You CAN make it easier for her. Be honest. Be available. Tell her how you feel. Don't make her wonder and don't play games.
Remember when you were 16 and in love? Before the baggage and the hurt and the scars?!  That's all she wants. That's all she needs. She wants to give her whole self to someone. Someone she craves like an addiction! So how do you get her to feel that way about you? Read number two.

#2. Make her feel wanted! 

All she wants from you is..... YOU! She wants you to want her and only her.. Never stop doing the things that made her fall in love with you in the first place.  I mean you tried so hard to get her, try even harder to keep her! It only takes five seconds to say thank you, I love you, I appreciate you, I NEED you.   Make her feel needed and wanted.  And never ever forget, the more you give, the more you get back!

#3. Be who you really are!

Never pretend to be someone you're not. Be upfront, about your self, your feelings and who you are. Don't put your insecurities off onto her. If she is with you, she wants YOU. Don't make her regret it.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

When There's Nothing Left to Say

"Is it possible to feel so much,
that you never really know what kind of human
you are? If you are filled 
with monsters 
or love or pain
or chaos?
I do not really know 
what to make of who I am,
but I am waiting, nearly bursting
for someone who can" 

Do you know what it feels like to have so much bottled up inside you that you can't even speak? I think I'm there.

This has been a very trying few weeks for me. I've been told I seem angry, a tad moody and a bit sad lately. {I'm sure much more colorful things were said behind my back.} The truth is, I'm all those things.

You see, I've begun a new project entitled, "I'm putting Anna first for a while and if you don't like it, screw off".  It's proven to be a painful adjustment for everyone involved, especially for me.

Here's what I'm learning.

1. Be careful who you confide in. Things can change in the blink of an eye and if you lose your confidence in them, it will feel as if your insides have been ripped out.

2. If your friend calls to ask how you are only to immediately begin telling you how THEY are, they aren't much of a friend.

3. When you learn that someone doesn't care about you the way you care about them, let them go. (This applies in all types of relationships) It's called REJECTION and it hurts, but it won't kill you.

4. Friendship isn't about keeping score, but the scales should stay fairly balanced.

5. You don't always have to be strong. Go have a breakdown, cry out the hurt, fall apart. Just don't be surprised if no one shows up to console you.

6. You have the right to have expectations of people. They have the right to disappoint you by not living up to them.

7. When you surround yourself with walls, built to keep out the pain, rejection, disappointment and heartbreak in life,  they also keep out love, joy and happiness. You can't have it both ways.

8. If your past calls you in need of a listening ear and soothing advice, HANG UP: Every. Single. Time.

9. People love in different ways. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you think they should doesn't mean they aren't loving you the best way they know how.

10.  I'm worth it. Even if you don't see it yet.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Why I Left and Why I'm Back

Three years ago I had this naive notion I should start a blog. I turned 35 and freaked out a little, having no idea who I was, who I wanted to be, or how to get there. I felt time was passing to quickly and I couldn't keep up. I wanted to document it, as if writing it on paper could make time stand still. More than that, I no longer wanted to forget all the wonderful things happening around me. I thought it would be fun to share it. 

It didn't quite work out that way.

First, I'm a slacker when it comes to doing things that are for my enjoyment only. I am working on that. 

Secondly, I ever expected anyone to READ IT. It was only a place for me. An open forum to rant and document and talk out loud. I was very surprised, and humbled, by my friends who encouraged me to write more.  I was also surprised by those who went out of their way to read it only to judge me. 

So this is what I decided:  If you are reading this and find yourself interested in what I may have to say, the door's wide open. I cannot guarantee you wont be shocked, bored, mad, annoyed or otherwise unhappy by what you read here. My humor is dry and my life is crazy.  I'm not a "writer" or English major so if you are looking for a great work of literary genius, visit the library. You may learn more about me than you ever cared to know. 

If you are reading this for any other selfish reason.. don't waste your time. I'm not letting it influence me again.

Enter at your own risk.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Shades of Grey

A good friend once told me that I was very one sided and that I saw things only in black and white, right and wrong, yes and no. He said that life was much to complicated to conform to the box I wanted to put it in.  He turned out to be a lot wiser than I gave him credit for.  I only wish I had known that then.

I wasn't raised to  "talk about your feelings" while I coddle you and tell you none of this is your fault. It's not that I'm insensitive to people's plight... (okay, that's probably not  ENTIRELY true).  I just believe that you have the power to change your circumstances. If you are unhappy, find the source of it and make a change. Stop crying, pouting and blaming. Pick yourself up, put  your big girl panties on and ACT.   But it's not always that simple,  is it?

I wish I could share what happened today..but I can't.  What I can tell you is that for the first time in my adult life.. there was no right wrong choice.. no black, no white.. just painful shades of grey. I finally understood what my dear  friend meant that day.  Some times, all the answers feel wrong and no choice is right. You are torn between what you want to do, what you should do and what is best for those you love. You finally understand what it means to want a persons happiness more than you want your own. So you make your choices and pray they are right..because your heart isn't so sure.

I hate the color grey.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Lake Stevens and What I Learned from a Good Nap

How is it May and I've yet to write about anything this year? Maybe that answer is lost with every memory I've tried to dig up from the last four months.. Wasn't that the entire purpose of blogging to begin with? Anyways..........

I am currently nestled in white sand with the emerald sea stretching out  as far as I can see. I refuse to look at the clock because tomorrow I return to reality. ~I tear up slightly at the notion~  It's been a great week. Much needed time with my husband and a chance to enjoy time with my nephew. Seeing the world through the eyes of a child is remarkable to say the least and I'm thankful for the opportunity. This was his first time seeing the ocean, and I stood in wonder and awe watching him, as if my first time as well.

Growing up in rural West Virginia offers little in the way of entertainment. There are railroad tracts, dirt roads, a small local park and your imagination. As a kid I  played outside from dawn till dusk riding bikes, catching fire-flies and making hide outs in old water pipes. But in the summer, we got to pile up in dad's Ford Gran Tornio and head to Lake Stevens. I loved that lake. When we went there I knew daddy was all ours for the day. Mom would pack lunch and we would spend the entire day swimming and having fun.  The hard part of course was leaving, especially the "hike" up the hill from the lake to the car. Okay, so maybe not a full hike but when you're only seven it seems more like Mount Rushmore. The ride home was quiet.. Everyone drained from the sun and the days activities. Once home my sister and I would peel off our swimsuits, throw on a nightgown (I can hear mothers everywhere gasping at the thought we didn't shower first) and fall onto our cool, comfortable beds..where a nap quickly followed. 

That's what came to mind after playing in the sun with my nephew today. There were no video games, TV or Internet. Just us, the sand and surf... catching small fish...building sandcastles.. And when we finally called it a day, the boy who never naps.. did just that.  He was exhausted, and happy. And I hope that when he's an adult he will remember how good today felt. Laughing, having fun.. enjoying the beautiful world God created for us all.. and I hope it feels like home.